To wander, To feel.......

     
          This last year and a half has been one of immense change and grounding. I think that I have gotten a pretty good idea about the person I am and what exactly it is I plan on achieving in the couple of decades that I get to be present on this rotund space. I think no matter how well put together our life may seem at times, no matter how strong our minds and hearts seem to be, no matter how much we put forward……little my little the small things can un-seemingly etch at our hardest surfaces.
         I remember times in my life now, where I look back and have no idea why I made the decisions I did or why I held back on some of the decisions I was never strong enough to make. But it’s always a affable speculation when in retrospect. Amor Fati.

          I spend most of my days cruising by daily routine on my bike, I feel resilient in the fact that I am not stuck behind a desk or within the confined walls of a corporation. But at the same time I spend countless hours staring into the trees, or into the lake’s water ripples asking myself exactly what it is that I think makes me so dissimilar and distinctive as to be able to escape and squeeze through the corporate loop hole. What it is exactly anyway that I think I am escaping from …..and too. My mind wanders a lot, my heart drops at the most nominal things but doesn’t quite comprehend the more grand scheme of things. I break for no one but put in times of weakness place trust in the least accountable factors. I think sometimes it’s good to just let yourself …..feel. Even if it is short lived or unwise or painful. Sometimes it feels really good to just let go and let in. I am not quite sure where my mind is lately.

My mind is elsewhere, my thoughts are ethereal dreams

Nothing I think, nothing I do, nothing I say is what it seams

 

You may not understand my stream of consciousness, but then again neither do I

I’ve been in mêlée with this disorder for quite some time

So I sit staring, hazy eyed into the vivid lights beaming through the sky

Asking myself, asking everything around me …..Why

 

It’s a daily schism from routine, that keeps my mind in function

But to be honest we all know to expect the universe to answer is a soiled injunction

 

Never the less, ill still stare into the green, the blue and let myself come unglued
Hoping that one day, for just a moment my question may be ensued

Play on Words.........

Playing with words, is painfully entertaining. It becomes an addiction for the stifled and bored. It becomes a drug from the under enthused. To recreate something as boring as ink and paper, and bringing words to life. I play with words in my free time. It's Saturday morning, the sun is out, I will climb out of bed soon but for now I am reading Henry D. Thoreau and wandering what kind of life he led while all alone with his pen and paper out at Walden Pond. Solitude? Years? How? For now I will just read and write but in minutes or so I will climb out of bed and join everyone else. It's a beautiful day to play I can't imagine a life of complete desolation. How did he do it ?

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Reformation, being a deformation of your current and dull declaration.

It’s a re-creation of individual validation, in what we call a free born nation.

In all its glory it’s the instigation for potential vibrant education, and newly found origination.

No more stirring around in mental stagnation, only the need for innovative imagination

For re-creation without hesitation is needed in the mind that's withering away due to creative starvation

No matter the situation, it’s a cause for celebration

Because

For once, for now, you have ailed the mind's mental desperation.

Walking away, walking to, trying to fight what it is that is in between, trying to be anything less than hidden or unseen, trying to be anything less than obscene....

 For fear of rejection, not wanting to hear the objection, over and above the speculation, it is just a self inflicting reflection, trying to cut the thoughts by their sections, trying so hard to lead the congregation, wanting an encore of more than and above standard regulations, it’s an above average retaliation.....


Of what cues have put into my head, how I have tried so hard for them to be reread, trying to ward off what they may have said, so that I can learn from what I myself have actually read, not caring about the lies that have been fed


To Me……fed to them, to you, to us, to him, to her; to it…….it’s a ridiculous cycle of never-ending shit. It goes on and on with unclever and irritating whit, while most just sit, taking another hit, to afraid to get up and hit, everyone sits, noone stands up to cause an uproar or fit


So the few stand alone, owning up to the web that all have sewn, we try to fight the mendacity and undertone, but who are we kidding thoughts never broke any bones, so we all sit glued to our computers and phones, reading other’s thoughts...... to afraid to come up with our own, each and every one of us feeling more and more alone


Until one day someone, something muses inside or outside the exterior of our frames, and we all stand up and take the blame, no one was ever the same, but no one was ever clever enough to feel the fame, of being the catalyst for the call of the game


It happens in a split second, inspiration if you will, it is the only things that can fight fates will, it is the only thing that can seal the deal, it is the only thing that causes an uproar or brings fighters to the hill, and it alone is what we are all expecting to foot the bill…….


So when you finally decide to bring some original thought to the resistance, don’t give up in one small instance, don’t blame everything else on your inconsistence, and don’t waste our time without some innovative deliverance.


Bring it out, or bring it not. Life’s too short a time without some characteristic thought, instead of standing in a stagnation of immobility, get up and cause some novel hostility. The world won’t forget your name if you cause a scene, but your mind…..your truth….. loses its clout when it remains unseen.


.G.

Random, New, Borrowed, and Blue

I’m painfully aware of my surroundings and condition lately. The sickness of a dreamer, the vivid life you create behind and within is something that can easily be engulfing. If you’re not careful the imagery can devour you and never take heed in your escape. It’s ironic you know, the way the education system works out. I mean 8 years of school, two degree’s later, $62,000 towards a B.A. and MPA and all that I learned is that I do not ever want to work to make money for someone else, and that all I want to do is create. What do I want to create? What is my master plan? What do I want to accomplish? Unfortunately this changes from day to day or burgeons.


I’m not a one way street; I know that’s the safe route. I know that life has fewer collisions when you’re going in one direction. But then again I have never been one to evade a crash. I suppose I welcome and embrace chaos into my life. The impracticality of what could happen intrigues me. I guess that’s why Austin has been such a dead ringer for me. For once in my life I found a home, a seed. I like planting my feet here. I know I’m a bit nomadic in the fact that I’m one to greet the flight or fleet strategy when stagnation stirs inside me. But something about this city keeps me grounded internally even if I’m not tangibly here.

Austin is a city you don’t just have a weekend fling with. It’s a kind of city you commit to, the kind of city that can cause longevity even in the ficklest dreamers’ mind. There is something to its presence, its ambiance, its edge.

I have been walking a lot lately. I have always been a walker, I can walk for hours just studying the environment around me. Anyhow, I was walking around Town Lake and I saw graffiti on the pedestrian bridge that cut straight to the point. It said “Chose a point, and breath.” Sometimes I think my mind is wandering so aimlessly that I forget to breath. I over analyze so much that I suffocate myself.

Realistically, no one knows exactly what their next step is. We are all looking for that one thing that completes us, the one thing that has always been in us, and we all want to bring it out but sometimes we are in fear of showing it to the world. So I have decided I am just going to do everything…….yeah, that’s right, everything. We shall see how this works out. But for the time being I'm just going to immerse myself in the things that make me happy, even if they don’t always make sense or scare the living shit out of me. I am sure there is a lesson to be learned from this specific point in my life. But for right now I am just going to bathe in my impulsiveness.



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Sometime my mind proper, boggles itself. Not quite sure how things are run up there, but at times it somewhat takes over the entire thinking process which I have no part in. Sometimes I'm not sure why i write things that I do, sometimes they don't pertain to my own situation or knowledge but the words spatter across the pages as if they know what they want to say. I looked back through some older writings that I i had lost yesterday and found a couple of random entries. I wonder when I wrote this and what it's importance was at the time.

On, "Overcoming Love"?

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Just one mind, two eyes, one mouth, two lies

One heart, two arms, one embrace, resilient to charm

Made of cotton and steel, this heart's been built up on a cherry hill

Looking out and above the trees, the sky giving off its natural hue

Life never seemed so sweet before, so much easier to walk out the door

Eyes clear and dry, voice withered to less than a sigh

The vanilla pages emptied into the wind, who knows when the ink will be used again