Our Own Realities.

I think that in life we choose our realities. 

We paint them. 

We color them. 

We dream them. 

We create them.

We are either designers or copies.

Sometimes obstacles appear in front of us that make decisions difficult.
 We decide to take certain risks for certain rewards.
Sometimes we turn our backs on some risks.
Sometime we lose out on certain rewards.
 It isn't these decisions that define who we are as creators.
But it is the decisions we don't make.
It is the control of our own realities that we give away.

We either take control or we let others lead us. 

I think in my past I was caught up in expectations. Actually, I know I was caught up in expectations. I chose classes, I chose to abide by graded scales that inherently told me how clever or dull I was. I chose after school activities that  were supposed to define me, and help me achieve what it was we were all expected to achieve....greatness.

It was the colors, the lines, the brands that were pushed into my mind and persuaded me that they would make me more appealing and attractive physically or mentally.  But something was always missing. The light wasn't there,  the colors were muted, my voice was turned down, my sight was narrow. I was a lesser version of who I was meant to be. I was letting a system design my output, I was letting an organization define my title, I was letting teams place rules on my overall thinking. I was gliding by on a calculated scale, unseen and unheard.

I was caught up in living up to someone else's standards. At this point I am not even sure whose standards I was living up to. I think I was projecting my own fears onto an audience that was never there. My life had become an empty theater, and I was still terrified to walk onto the stage. There was no one there holding me back except myself. It took me most of my twenties to figure out that being center stage of your own life shouldn't be frightening, it should be enlightening.

I shouldn't be running from my future, and I shouldn't be stuck in my past. I shouldn't be hiding from the present, and be dreaming about the future. Every moment of my life is mine, and mine entirely.

Since then, I think I have finally become an individual that is comfortable in their own skin.  A person that doesn't care much about the opinions of others, in the sense that she can make her own decisions. To say others wont effect me entirely, would be a lie. There will always be people that don't understand who you are, or why you make the decisions that you do, or why you love the things that you do, or why you don't follow certain rules.  And sometimes when certain people don't understand you it will be difficult because you wish that they could. But there will always be those people in the audience that love you for your imperfections, irrationality,vibrance, and sometimes insanity. Those people will be in your life much longer than the prior.

 The moment you decide to live your own life, and the moment you decide fear is actually fun to toy with, well then thats the moment you no longer live by a graded scale.
Your life shouldnt be so understated, dont let your phantom audience keep you from performing proudly under the stage lights. Even if you are dancing to your own tune, it's yours. Sing it proudly and loudly.