What Happened...

How is it that we survive on air, that our bodies adhere, to the rules of science and biology, that our hearts and minds can be picked apart with psychology...........

If its as easy as a class read, someone tell me who the world created me to be, if you can explain my every being by DNA strands, then tell me what the larger plan demands.......

I'm f***ing tired of the games, there all the same, no one really taking any time to know more than a persons name. Every person wanting some kind of easy access to fortune and fame.....

I'm lost, I'm wandering, I'm dragging my entire story behind me, the weight from the burden is beginning to make me buckle at the knees, the air in my lungs is depleting while my story line keeps repeating, there is something we are all missing but all needing......

I look down from my flight, not a distinctive character in sight, everyone resembles merely dots on the pavement, wandering to myself where individualism's significance went. If that is what I have become leave me in the sky, I'm tired of living some insignificant lie, I'm tired of asking why......

What happened to this place, what happened to our race, no one would know if the answer stood right before their face, its all about time now, its become a race, leave me here on my cloud, I'd rather disappear without a trace........

Expectations.....

I don’t know what you expected from me
I told you from the beginning time is what I would need

I’m not this fairy tale you’ve set in your mind
If I could take my life’s history and push rewind

Id tell you why, why I am who I turned out to be
But even then I don’t know if id even see

Lights in my mind have been turned off and on
I'm finding that I cant find my way around right and wrong

The way my mind works, the way my heart beats
The way my lips move, the words I speak

My reasoning is incessant, my thoughts are infinite
I live in my own world, you’ll never get it

So I run, run so far away I leave no trail
Run so far there’s no one left for me to tell my tale

In the dark, in a haze
I forget the days

Where I felt…….anything

Invictus......

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

El tibio recuerdo.......

In an instant everything changed  

In an instant I forgot all blame

 

In a moment you became a dream
In an instant everything was less than it seemed

In an instant the change eluded me

Because for once you didn’t seem so real
For once it all seemed so un-ideal

When you walked away, it was as if you had never been there at all
It’s at this realization I finally let down my wall

Nothing to be scared of anymore
It was all a mild illusion before

You were just a reverie of something I thought I knew
But like most, I made a mistake, I never had a clue …………

Turned Tables......

Excuse me while I express amusement at your concave words
Down the hall, your screams, we all heard

This is what you get; this is what you’ll get
Live your life with lies, but you’ll soon regret

Don’t call, text or come around me anymore
This isn’t your time to try and even the score

What’s done is done
And talking to you is just no longer any fun

Your rambling lines, of loss and confusion
I apologize, but my life no longer welcomes your intrusion

In the past I’d see something that reminded me of you, and I’d smile
Now that the truth has been discovered, it’s been a while

I don’t want to touch you; I don’t want your kiss
Most importantly I do not want this…….


Someone who robs me of my dreams
Someone who acts to be someone they are not meant to be
Someone how wipes the smile from my face
Someone who’s brought me such humiliation and disgrace
Someone my friends hate
Someone who’s made me sit around and wait


I used to sit for hours trying to understand your choices
But now I’ve lost my luster for your voice

I no longer have to urge to have you in my life
This was never supposed to be my fight

You pushed, you played and you did your own thing
But now it’s my time shine, it’s my song to sing

So turn around, walk away like you did so many times before
Because this ship has sailed and is going on tour

Goodbye past, goodbye you, I can’t say it’s been too much fun
But no longer can you keep me from running free and playing in the sun…..

A Mothers Lament.....

So if you know me , you know my mother hasn't been a part of my life since I was 16 but........this weekend I had a chance to reunite with my sister. We were seperated when we were 10. I visited Dallas and Gunter (off the grid) and I got to do a little soul searching. Britney (my sister) had photos and poems from my childhood that I never saw and she shared them with me. And although my mother and I do not collide in this world, I saw her words come alive in a poem she wrote to my father when he passed. I remember the dream that she had after he passed away and I believe this is her reaccountance of the dream. I guess my creative and artistic side came from her. Here are her words..........

Whispers of My Angel (Dedicated to Randy Fillip My Loving Husband)

Maybe I'm mistaken, but I thought I heard someone cry.
Then when I had awoken I realized it was only I.

In a dream I was running, it was a dark and lonely place.

And someone was following but, I could not see his face.

He was calling out for me not to be afraid.

Breathlessly I kept running trying to get away.

Then suddenly I heard footsteps closing in on me.

I turned around shocked by whar I'd turned to see.

Jesus was smiling, reaching out his hand to help.

There are no words, for I knew what you felt.

He said he heard me crying and didn't want me to be alone.

He'd help me through the darkness, and help me make it home.

And when the dream had ended he'd set my burdens free.

There will be no more crying, you can always trust in me.

There will be no more heartaches was what I heard him say.

And there will be no more running I'll carry you all the way.

..............By Michelle Fillip..................

I never knew this side of her, but I guess it was lost with my father. In any regards its beautiful and it came from her heart. Ill keep it forever. I'd like to remember her this way.......

The Stranger

I know your smile, but I dont understand your frown

I like to look towards your words when I'm down

I dont quite trust you, but I still love your face

Its hard to think my times at waste

Your words turn my heart in an unknown way

I know I shouldn't stay but I find it numbing to walk away

Your actions heal my soul

But your familiarity makes me feel whole

Your someone I never really understood

But I always hoped that one day I could

Its unclear to my mind what draws me in

But for some reason by better judgement is tested again and again

I lose my objectivity

And begin to feel subjectively

Its an unrealistic dream

And its more than it seems

Its not real and neither are you

This strange presence will soon become unglued

My mind battles my heart

It has from the very start

For you walked by once and I never caught your name

Your a stranger to me, my thoughts are only mine to blame

Life Block

Move on to another day, to a whole new town, to a whole new way

We all reach a point in our lives where time seems to stand still

Where taking a certain path momentarily alters our willingness to move forward

Our thoughts feel cluttered, our hearts restless, our souls incomplete

Nothing makes sense except for the fact that we are utterly at a loss for reaction

At this point everything seems to lose its color, everything seems harder than before

In moments we find truth, but surely again soon enough we lose sight of it

The answer may not lay in view but a hint of it glistens in the forefront of our mind

But in those moments we arent paying attention, for instead we are taking solace in feeling sorry for ourselves

In that moment we lose everything, we lose sight of reality

We lose sight of oppurtunity, chance, and fate

One moment, one chance, one fateful affinity can be lost becuase of our own selfish stupidity

The strongest of us are still weak to these moments, but its reaction from these moments that defines our character

Its what we decide to do in that moment that makes us bigger than the rest

I know myself, I know me, I forgot that for a moment

I forgot my strength, my capability, my pride, my drive, my character

Most importantly in life one should never ever forget who he or she is

When you forget who you are, when you forget what you stand for.....you lose

You lose everything

Hard times will come but most importantly from them you have to learn how to stand again

With better balance

Better agility

Better intelligence

I go through these moments where I cant pick up a pen, or type a note

Times where I dont have the strength to come from out under my covers

Times where I need a shoulder or an ear

We all do, its human, its natural

But life can't be put on hold because you have 'life block'

Its time to make a decision, its time to move on or move up

It's time...........

Evolution

Friendships are changing, rules are being redrawn

Dreams are being tweaked, people's perceptions are evolving

Flaws are being solidified, Differences are becoming distances

Connections are being lost, love is being tested

Ties are splintering, Kisses arent as engaging

Energy is being exhausted, Sleep is being lost

Conformity is becoming freighteningly comfortable, plans are being pushed back

Colors are losing their luster, familiarity is beginning to feel warm

Trust is being broken, refuge is discerned in new and old lyrics

Promises being turned into lies, smiles metamorphosizing into tears

Fear is causing immobility, Watermelon is tasting much better

Being alone has become more pleasant, Creativity becoming your sole companion

Writing becoming an easier outlet for expression than speech, life losing its haste

This is growing up? This is what everyone is so afraid of but they still conform. It's time to run or join......life, who knew four letters by definition could bare the weight of the world

Supposed To ?

You supposed to do what you love, right?

Your supposed to follow your dreams, right?

You supposed to fight hard for your beliefs, right?

When did people become so lackadaisical on life?

When did making mistakes become easier than working to do whats right?

When did settling for less become the choice over making your dreams come true?

When did love become contractual and less fateful?

People are covering up now, instead of dancing in the rain.

Sometimes it rains, and sometimes it shines

But in either case you have to be who you are, completely and fully

Life is not easy, it was never supposed to be

Its a challenge

You have to seperate the fighters and the settled

Which side are you on?

Truth.....

You said it was forever
I never thought never ever
That you could touch her again the way you did
It just seems a sin

You said you never would go there again, that you would never repeat
I guess you can understand why I feel so much anger, and deceit
To tell someone you love them, and then to walk away
I never thought I’d see that day
Your not who I thought you were
The past year has just become one hazy blur

In one instance you became a stranger
When you left me and stood beside her
In the park that day
My friends never saw you that way
My heart stopped
What could I have thought?

Ill be fine, I know I will
But you’ll be thinking of me still
It’s a tragedy that it just happened that way
I guess I was never meant to stay

Just like an apple in a tree, we all have to fall
I guess it was not what we thought after all
Sometimes forever isn’t real
I guess your actions sealed that deal
In just a few days it will have been a year
But honestly I have nothing left for you, no more tears

My eyes have dried, and my head is clear
It’s the future that I fear
I am walking straight now, you taught me not to fall
I wont let anyone else put me against a wall

The things I once found beauty in before
Have all walked out the door
But people, love, and life it all will go on
So I’ll just keep to my melodramatic songs

I am finding me
That’s all I really needed to be
We all make mistakes, and I have made mine
But ill make the changes and be fine in some time
Will you look back on the lies that you have told?
Or will they haunt you until the days when your skin is old

Life is not easy; no one ever promised that it would be
But we all have to grow up and work on things, don’t you see
Thanks for the lesson, and many empty words
But save your empty promises for your
Jaybird.